WHEN YA GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO????
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Man Charged With Killing Roommate Over Toilet Tissue
MARION COUNTY, Fla. -- A man has been arrested for fatally beating his roommate with a sledgehammer and a claw hammer because there was no toilet tissue in the home, authorities said. Franklin Paul Crow, 56, has been charged Monday with homicide for the death of Kenneth Matthews, 58, according to the Marion County Crow told investigators that the men were fighting over the weekend about the toilet tissue when Matthews pulled out a rifle. Crow said he then began beating Matthews with the sledgehammer and claw hammer, according to an affidavit. Capt. Thomas Bibb said Crow initially denied his involvement with the crime, but confessed when questioned. Matthews was beaten so badly he had to be identified through his fingerprints, detectives said. Crow was being held at the Marion County jail without bond. It was not immediately known whether he had an attorney.
****Am I the only one that thinks this dude may have sprung a leak, and it got on his face?? See...if he'd only had toilet paper! If you think this sounds Psycho..then ya gotta read this POST, it has all the elements of a scary "B" movie, the shower, the horror, the pain, and a new one...the SHITZ
Slow Blogging Day...LOL
I occasionally do clean out the old email inbox...and come across some pretty funny stuff. So, if I found it amusing, of course, I assume you will also. Have you figured out yet I am going to share a few with ya? If not, you are obviously too dense to "get" the emails anyway, so...just stop reading and go watch TV..I hear Pamela Anderson has a new show!! Hello, Hello, is anyone here? Hell, I'm gonna go watch Pam............... LOL
The Boss was in a quandary. He had to downsize the office and narrowed it down to one of two people: Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision - they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?", she said. "I feel like shit this morning."
Bubba
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body,
so they sent for his two bestfriends, Darryl and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,Darryl said,"Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll himover." The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain'tBubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange.Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer looked at the bodyand said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" "Well,Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. "Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
from my sis-in-law in OHIO....
Lay-Offs
The Boss was in a quandary. He had to downsize the office and narrowed it down to one of two people: Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision - they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?", she said. "I feel like shit this morning."
FUGLY
A really ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"? The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!
And finally...a few "adult" riddles for ya....
Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration
I hope you got a chuckle or 2!
Ummm...Well, what would you say?
Monday, February 27, 2006
Noni came running in, from my bedroom, not a good thing usually. In her hand was a smallish purple item. The item was making a buzzing sound. The item has a small curved area on top. Surely you know what I am talking about? ( If not, ask Livey, Katy or LL, I have a feeling they will say the truth. )
Noni: "Mommy, what is this thing...why is it buzzing? It's my favorite color, purple. Can I have it? What is it?"
And I the paragon of motherhood replied: "Noni, you better put that back. That belongs to daddy and he'll be mad when he sees you've messed with it!!"
Noni: "But, Momma, it was in your drawer, what is it?"
Me: "Noni, honey, I have no idea what it is, but, if you ask daddy as soon as he gets home, I am sure he'll tell you. And you know how daddy NEVER puts anything away in the right place!!"
Joey comes home from work about an hour later.
The paragon of fatherhood tells Noni: "You don't need to be in our room messing with stuff, and it's for daddy's back. It's ummm....it's a....massager, when my back hurts I use it."
Noni: "How do you reach your back with this little thing??"
Dad: "Noni, go to your brother's room and watch a movie, I am not answering anymore questions. My back hurts and I have a headache. I just want to sit down and relax. "
Noni, the princess asks: "You want your little purple buzzing thing? I can go get it."
Joey comes home from work about an hour later.
The paragon of fatherhood tells Noni: "You don't need to be in our room messing with stuff, and it's for daddy's back. It's ummm....it's a....massager, when my back hurts I use it."
Noni: "How do you reach your back with this little thing??"
Dad: "Noni, go to your brother's room and watch a movie, I am not answering anymore questions. My back hurts and I have a headache. I just want to sit down and relax. "
Noni, the princess asks: "You want your little purple buzzing thing? I can go get it."
I almost forgot my Cookie Man Post!!
I have been horribly amiss in my thank you post to LATTE MAN!! He mailed me some of the most scrumptious chocolate chip cookies I have ever eaten. They were awesome, and they were his grandmother's recipe...soooo....I won't be able to a) eat them at home when I want because I can make them...and 2) include them in the recipe book compilation so you can! Ijust HAD to write this and thank him, I even let the kidz have one...not apiece, to share...BWAAHAHAHAHAHA......A BLOG THAT HAS A PENIS WITH SUNGLASSES AND A CIGARETTE
Saturday, February 25, 2006
WHO COULD RESIST?? I am referring to my new tenant, click over on the sidebar to visit, please tell her I sent you!! If you think clicking on the ole' sidebar is too much trouble... CLICK HERE...thanks!!
I can relate, oh, yeah..........
I've added a new blog to my sidebar, and will be adding more over the next day or so. When I saw the title, STUCK IN ELMO'S WORLD, I felt like I'd found a kindred spirit. Why? Because, I am stuck in THE SAME HELLFIRE community as the blog owner. Don't believe me?? I have proof. See below.
LA LA LA LA...LA LA LA LA...ELMO POOP.....LA LA LA.....
LA LA LA LA...LA LA LA LA...ELMO POOP.....LA LA LA.....
I swear Nathan piled all of these on the coffee table, I did NOT tell him too...I didn't realize we had so many of that furry little BASTARD lovable critter. Of course, I had to take a picture. This does not include the DVDs and such....ugh...
la la la la...la la la la..NO MORE ELMO
Freebies for All....
NO REASON THIS IS HERE...EXCEPT...I LIKE IT...
Free Krispy Kreme Doughnut (SELECT AREAS)
FREE Highlight's Hidden Pictures-and lots of other stuff for kidz
Free drawing program for kids -Download, cool program
Reason 5,682,492 I will NEVER be named Mother of the Year
Thursday, February 23, 2006
I Promise...I did count to 10...breathe deeply..all that crap...And it still didn't work. I was at my wit's end. No one says anything about these types of days in the old Mommy Manual. I am such a stellar example of patience, kindness and an example of motherly love everyone should strive to have...... THAT IS ALL PLAIN OLD BULLSHIT OVER EASY, Y'ALL I would like to let you all know that the following is how, I, the Mom thatz Nutz, handles a full day of whining, petulant, yelling, screaming, demons her children having mild disagreements, and asking over and over again the most stupid ass questions. By the millionth, "Mom, hey, can I do....(insert something totally absurd here) or "Mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy can we (same drill) this was my response
I DON'T CARE IF YOU GO OUTSIDE, RUN AROUND THE HOUSE BUCK NAKED
AND THEN GO TAKE A CRAP ON THE NEIGHBOR'S LAWN. JUST DO NOT ASK
ME ANY MORE QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...and, as if any were needed, I received my last clarification, that my firstborn son was indeed, the epitome of a premiere smartass...damn...that apple didn't fall far from the tree, heh? His response to my emotional breakdown above???
Nicklaus: (giggling) Mom, can I pee on their lawn instead? I'd have to wipe my butt with leaves, and that would not be pleasant...would it??
Words cannot express the gratitude!!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
I got a chance to give Mikey the emails and such last night...I guess I should say a lot of them. My mailbox was overwhelmed by the words of all of you for him. I literally cried my eyes out at the support you all gave to him. To say he was touched and in awe is an understatement. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. He's taking his book with him, to Iraq, it will help some I am sure. The part he is going to has no electricity, not a nice section at all...but he will carry all of us with him in his heart. Thank you all so much!!
YEP...BELIEVE IT OR NOT...I HAVE A FAVOR TO ASK OF Y'ALL!!
Saturday, February 18, 2006
The hubster and eldest spawn are off camping this weekend with some friends of ours. Guys weekend out...they do this often, however...this one is really special to them all. Why? Because, Mikey, errr....Michael...hell no...he's Mikey, is in town on leave. Mikey's 19 years old, a helluva Marine and headed to Iraq in the next 2 weeks. It's been a back and forth thing, never any definite orders, until now. He's ready to go, he's willing to fight, however, he's nervous. Who wouldn't be? Iraq and Effingham County aren't really similar at all! Anyway, I would really, really, from the bottom of my heart appreciate you sending any sort of message (not an f-ed up you're dying for nothing one, nice ones) to give to him before he leaves. He's a great kid, and I really appreciate him and those like him who are willing to protect our ass. No matter how you feel about the war, how many 19 year olds that you know would head over there? If you pray, tell him, if you feel thankful, tell him, if you wish him Godspeed - tell him. If you have military advice or are a veteran, depart some of that wisdom. Please send it to me at: writing4areason@aol.com and I will be sure to print it out and give it to him. Sometimes ya just gotta let someone know you appreciate them having your back!! Semper Fi!! (and if you want to send this on...please do...the more the merrier!!) If you don't want to leave your full name or whatever....leave your blog addy, or whatever...please let me know where you are from....so he can see it ain't just us Gawja crackers wishing him well!!
Separated at Birth??
Friday, February 17, 2006
I watched David Letterman a week or so ago and Harrison Ford was one of the guests....when I saw him and his new beard, I thought, "Who does he look like, and then suddenly it came to me, OMG, he looks like Rob the Blogdaddy of them all!!! Do you agree?
<---------THIS IS HARRISON FORD.
The following 2 are of Rob from Gut Rumbles.
<---------THIS IS HARRISON FORD.
The following 2 are of Rob from Gut Rumbles.
It's Grow Old Gracefully....Not Gaggingly...LOL
This is just wrong on so many levels...I'll just share the pic...you can form your own ideas. This is NOT for the faint at heart...or stomach!!
The following is a list of things that do not go well with one another, especially for those in their golden years. If you don't do it for your own dignity, Please, do it for the children.
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
13. Thongs and Depends
Hey Y'all and Yeehaw!!
I live near the beautiful, genteel city of Savannah, right on the Georgia coast. Now, that book, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil says the following:
If you go to Atlanta, the first question people ask you is, 'What's your business?'
If you go to Atlanta, the first question people ask you is, 'What's your business?'
In Macon they ask, 'Where do you go to church?'
In Augusta they ask your grandmother's maiden name.
But in Savannah the first question people ask you is
'What would you like to drink?'"
I don't agree, the first question is usually, "Where you all from?" then you are asked what your libation of choice is. However, the whole point of telling you that little story, is to share the following little antedote on life in Savannah!! My sister sent this to me, and I HAD to share!!
DUI GEORGIA STYLE
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Savannah,Georgia.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a fewminutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine,dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times,honked the horn,and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights,and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it." said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
I HAVE A NEW TENANT!!
Y'all go on over to the sidebar and visit my new tenant, how could I not pick a blog with a name like Ninja Poodles?? Tell them that the Mom thatz Nutz sent ya!!
Random Photos of My World....
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
This is Noni, as if you did not know. She is wearing the "do rag" she insisted I buy for her at Wal-Mart. Do I have the only white child in the universe wearing a do rag? This is not the cutesy bandana one, nope, it's the nylon edition. LOLOLOLOL
Definition of do rag?
African-American slang. A piece of cloth, worn on the head, that protects one's hairdo from mussing. When the Afro came into style, do rags largely went the way of the dodo though they have made a bit of a comeback.
I took this one on the way to pick up Noni, I thought the clouds were really pretty. Hey, I don't get out much, ya know???
On the same scenic drive, I encountered this...which allowed me to drive 10 MPH and enjoy the drive. Nah, I really thought up some fabulous ways to cuss at someone driving a tractor thingy, (yep, that's a technical term) down a public road...that was kind of fun....
Yep, I got the bird clock off the wall, so Noni could hold it and I could share with you when my kidz wanted family time the other
And finally, 2 pictures of angels that are at the cemetery my Mother In Law is buried at. I converted them to black and white, just for the hell of it. I just liked the way they looked....
OY VEY!!! Enough already...being a PK (Preacher's Kid) Has it's moments....
Saturday, February 11, 2006
My mother, Her Royal Highness of Guiltdom, called me today. We talk a lot, a whole lot. Anyway, every other phone call ends up with her either hanging up or...well, nothing, she hangs up if we disagree about something or if I, unlike my sister, Princess Shut My Mouth and she'll stop soon enough if I remain quiet, if I have a sarcastic retort. Who me? Sarcastic? I've never had a facetious quip come out of my lips. (Crossing fingers and toes on that one....BWAHAHAHAHAHA) Of course, if you read my blog, you know what's coming next...the dialogue in two parts:-)
Ring, Ring (that's what my phone says, what does yours say?)
Ring, Ring (that's what my phone says, what does yours say?)
I decide to let the machine get it. By the eighth or ninth time of hearing:
Kellie, I know you're there, pick up the phone. Nicklaus it's Nanny, get the phone. Well, I guess no one is going to pick up the phone, why do you even have one. Call me later. (click)
Immediately the guilt that I was born into and subjected to kicked in.
I picked up the phone and called my momma! What??? I'd feel terrible if I didn't. So, I dial. Her phone does not say "ring, ring." My mother's phone plays, "When the Saints Go Marching In" What...you're surprised?
ANYHOOO....Of course, if you read my blog, you know what's coming next...the dialogue in two parts:-)
MY MOM: HELLO
ME: I COULDN'T FIND THE PHONE, SORRY.
MY MOM: You misplace more things that any person I have ever known! Put the phone
on the charger. It belongs on the charger, not God knows where.
ME: Well, I'll certainly take that remedy under consideration.
MY MOM: You don't have to be smart with me. Kellie, you need to get back in
church. Those kidz love it, you need to raise your kidz in church, and it's your job to portray a Christian lifestyle to others. Do you mean to tell me that God isn't convicting you about missing so much church and spiritual time??
ME: Mom, I don't think you've given God an opportunity to do so..
MY MOM: You don't have to be a smart mouth.
Me: What, I said something wrong? I'm just telling you that you are God's mouthpiece.
CLICK (AND ANOTHER SLAM DUNK FOR MY MOM)
Dang...I'm getting better!!
(If you wanna be really nice when you join, tell them I sent you...
8-lesson Driver Education CD (must have for parents of teen drivers!)
Free PowePops for Weight Control (Yummy Flavors!)
to give you every advantage on the water. Includes a free Product Guide featuring the hottest products from Berkley, Abu Garcia, Fenwick, Spiderwire, Mitchell and Johnson.
for your life within these pages
Just wanted to let you all know...
Friday, February 10, 2006
That I have 2 really nice kitchen collections available in the store now!! One is Muy Caliente (Very hot baby) Chili peppers abound and the other is called "Kitchen Blues" and is absolutely gorgeous..this collection mixes blues with shabby chic items!!! Just click on the pics to be taken to the store!! They are on the front page, or in the section entitled..."Someone's in the kitchen...." And, please....see that first post up there? Send me a recipe or 5, pretty, pretty please??? Thanks guyz!!
Money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye."
Thursday, February 09, 2006
I had to run in "the place we do not speak of" this morning when I took Noni to school. I just needed a few items, and while I was grabbing them, I got a dozen doughnuts from the bakery and let Noni and Nathan eat one...since I was rather hungry, I wolfed one down as well, and Noni and Nathan shared a chocolate milk. I had a Starbucks Mocha Cappucinno. Anyhoo....when I went to pay with my PayPal debit card, it kept declining my card. I had the money in the account, the total of my purchase was $18.02 and I had 29.00 bux in my account. They later apologized when I called them, there was a glitch in the system or something. Anyway, I had to give all the stuff back to the clerk. What does one say in the situation? Perhaps, y'all are different...but due to the shitty attitudes they had...all I said was, "Thanks for breakfast!"
Sure, sure, yeah...it's funny now....
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
You know how they make those old guys that can't hear in the movies sound? You know, putting their hands to their ear, saying, "Ehhhh???" That's the sound I heard when I walked out onto my front porch this morning. Of course, I only heard it in reply to this phrase: "Nathan honey, open the door, open the door for Mommy, turn the little knob back." "EHHHHH????" I said the above about oh....9-10 times. It ended up being...."NATHAN, UNLOCK THE DAMN DOOR, NOW..NATHAN, YOU BETTER LET ME IN, NATHAN WE HAVE TO GO GET SISSY....OPEN THE FRIGGIN' DOOR NOW...DAMMIT...."
"EHHHH???"
I was able to cat burgle (is that a word?) into my house to any that are interested....
Can someone please explain how this happened?
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
I know I have mentioned that my daddy is a preacher. I was raised in church. I learned all the Bible Stories, from Adam and Eve right on down to the Whore of Babylon in The Book of Revelations. Shouldn't I have received children like this:
SO, WHY DID I GET CHILDREN LIKE THIS? HUH?? TELL ME, K?
SIT BACK, SHUT UP AND ENJOY THE RIDE....
Monday, February 06, 2006
I don't know why my husband insists on me driving places, if he HATES my driving so much. For example, Saturday night we had to run to "the place we do not speak of." The ride went like this:
Hubby: "Geezus, would you slow down, they post those signs with those numbers on them for a reason!!!"
Me: "Do they now?"
Hubby: "Turn your signal on, turn it on."
Me: "Why do I need to turn it on? The road is deserted, there is no one here, and this lane is a turn only lane anyway!"
Hubby: " I don't know why the hell you have to turn them on, it's the law. I don't make the laws, I just follow them!!!"
Me: "Just sit back and shut up, I drive fine!!!"
Hubby: " YOU DRIVE FINE??? YOU...DRIVE...YOU DRIVE...LIKE A 15 YEAR OLD ON HEROIN!!!"
This Is A Must See Site
A friend of mine sent this to me, and I've looked at the various Sex Offender Registries and such. This one is a bit different. Okay, here's the deal... enter your address... itwill show a "house", that's yours... all the little colored boxes are Sex Offenders... click on them and you get a name & picture of theperson along with his crime... I promise this isn't one of my "joke" posts. They don't have all the perverts that live around me on here, but they have a few that I haven't seen.
Click
HERE
Click
HERE
I Can't Wait....
To use my soap that Maeve sent me!! It smells awesome, not evil at all...I may still have to say a prayer or two over it though......
AND I HAVE A NEW TENANT!!
LOOK, OVER THERE ON THE SIDEBAR!! IT'S THE GUPPYMAN....GO ON AND VISIT HIM, TELL HIM MOM SENT YA...HIS WIFE HAS A COOL BLOG TOO!!
Momma always said, Stupid is as stupid does...
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
I believe I have mentioned on my blog that my hubby is bi-polar. If you are familiar with this, it's one hell of a ride for everyone involved. He handles it pretty well most of the time. This weekend was not one of those times. He ran out of Lexapro, didn't have any for 2 days, by the way, that was ALL he was on for bi-polar anyway. Well, I got my little research hat on and found out he was supposed to be taking a mood stabilizer with the Lexapro. Also, if you take Lexapro, and you are bi-polar, the withdrawal can effect you in the manner of inciting a manic episode. Anyway, we made it through and we even had a talk about the additional drugs, he told my that several months ago the doctor was going to call in a prescription for the mood stabilizing medication. Needless to say, they hadn't and he never followed back up on it. Well, I entered our refills online for