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Clean-Up On Aisle 5...NOW

Monday, September 25, 2006

And in yet another display of why my children make me so damn proud, I'll relate the following: While shopping with the three spawn my husband created, the eldest DEMON son, says at the top of his voice: "Look Mom, we can buy a Mexican on Aisle 5!! Wonder how much they cost?" (If you need the explanation, here it is....the sign on the aisle stated that this aisle contained the following: Ketchup, Mayonaise, Ethnic, Mexican....etc...) Ain't he a peach?

Saturday, September 23, 2006


I Was Sick -N- Tired Of "My Old Man" So, I Gotz Me A New One!!!

***Let me explain the following a bit more, k? Joey had long hair when I met him, I had and have no problem with it. However, he cut his hair about 2 years ago, fine by me. One day he just announces out of the blue, "I am going to let my hair get long again." Okay, fine by me, but when I asked, "And what makes you want to do that?" "Just because was the reply. I figured it out later. I'd told him he has a receding hairline and he vehemently denies it. But, when the hair stylist mentions it, well, it's hair to the ass time again. So...Mom here figured it out one day. This was his last hurrah into the realm of hippie hair. Why you ask? Well, because he didn't want to end up looking like Gallagher. Ya gotta wake up pretty early to fool the Mom thats Nutz!!!


Don't know who Gallagher is? Here Ya Go....



Knowledge I've Gained This Weekend.....

Sunday, September 17, 2006

When throwing an impromptu get together for a couple of friends and the following are included on your guest list:


It is entirely possible that you may forget you are sitting at your dining room table when someone grabs your camera to take a picture of you. In the span of .5 seconds you will be transported to Oz Fest.

In order to LOOK LIKE A TOTAL DUMBASS show originality you might even flash the " I Love You" symbol. That's just ignorance and alcohol. Next time try to remember this:

Saturday, September 16, 2006


Had to Share This With You...I LOVE IT...

Friday, September 15, 2006

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.

While they're sitting there having a good time together

she starts talking about this really great new drink.

The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets,

and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar

-- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue,

next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth,

and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.

He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it......

In one second the sharp lime taste hits...

..... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .....

......At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting

to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,

"Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says,

"Blow Job Revenge"


Dammit, I told him I wasn't in the mood.....

Okay..Okay...it was only a Pork Loin, or Roasted Woozle like my kidz call it! But it does bring to mind penises...well my mind anyway..BWAHAHAHAHA


That's My Hubby, Master of Compassion and Conversation...

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I was recently ill with strep throat. As a result, I had to take some heavy duty antibiotics, ladies, you know what we get after the antibiotics, don't you? That's right, the burning, itching going crazy wanna die malady called a yeast infection....yeehaw. Anyway, I was talking to my sister-in-law about it tonight on the phone and that man I married, he loves me and sympathizes with my discomfort, ya gotta love him. What did he say? Well, as he was kicked back in his recliner these words of empathy came outta his dear, sweet mouth:

Dear God, what could be better, I get to listen to one side
of a conversation about infected cooters.

Is there any doubt why I married this man of mine?


I Have An Important Announcement To Make....

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Noni and I were in "The Place We Do Not Speak Of" in the Baby Department picking up some Pull-Ups for Nathan. A lady with a toddler and a newborn baby was on the same aisle as us. This woman looked at me and then said to her child, while she was smiling at Noni the whole time, "Look Jacob, it looks like her mommy has a surprise on the way for her little girl like I did for you." What could I do?? I had to look at Noni, smiling all the time and ask, "Noni, you know why Mommy bought all those carrots and other fresh veggies, baby?" To which she replied, "No, ma'am, why?" "Because Mommy is going on a diet honey." I left the BITCH THAT SHOULD KEEP HER MOUTH SHUT WHEN SHE DOESN'T KNOW SOMEONE new mother with an incredibly embarrassed look on her face and smiled sweetly as I said "excuse me" and wheeled my cart around her.

Okay, maybe I am trying to lose a few pounds, but I am in no way obese or anything, and yes, maybe I should have worn a looser shirt, but....I was just grabbing a few groceries and didn't feel like changing. I've never been skinny y'all....and I don't think I ever will be. What possesses total strangers to make assumptions and comment on things they know nothing about is beyond me....STUPID BITCH!!!



Monday, September 11, 2006

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"Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning)"~~Alan Jackson

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day?

Out in the yard with your wife and children?

Working on some stage in LA?

Did you stand there in shock at the site of that black smoke rising against that blue sky?

Did you shout out in anger in fear for your neighbor?

Or did you just sit down and cry?

Did you weep for the children who lost their dear loved ones?

And pray for the ones who don't know?

Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble and sob for the ones left below?

Did you burst out in pride for the red white and blue?

The heroes who died just doing what they do?

Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer?

And look at yourself to what really matters?

I'm just a singer of simple songs

I'm not a real political man

I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell youThe difference in Iraq and Iran

But I know Jesus and I talk to GodAnd I remember this from when I was young

Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us

And the greatest is love

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day?

Teaching a class full of innocent children?

Driving down some cold interstate?

Did you feel guilty cause you're a survivor?

In a crowded room did you feel alone?

Did you call up your mother and tell her you love her?

Did you dust off that bible at home?

Did you open your eyes and hope it never happened?

Close your eyes and not go to sleep?

Did you notice the sunset for the first time in ages?

Speak with some stranger on the street?

Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow?

Go out and buy you a gun?

Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watching And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns?

Did you go to a church and hold hands with some stranger?

Stand in line and give your own blood?

Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family?

Thank God you had somebody to love?

***Where was I? Lying on my bed with my one month old daughter, Noni, breastfeeding her. At a moment when thousands were dying I was sustaining life and staring in horror and disbelief as the planes were crashing one by one into our nation. Innocent men, women and children died.....Never forget them, please.***

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He Shore Does Love Her, Don't He? YeeeeeHawwww

Saturday, September 09, 2006

After reading Livey's post, Friday Night Fun, I had to share my little dumpster story! One of the things I do miss about the hellhole we lived in, and it's really the only thing, is garbage pick-up. That's right, the big green truck, the mechanical arm thingy that picks up your can and dumps it all. We don't have that up here, we have to go down the road a ways to the dumpsters. But, I have figured out that those in the "really" rural South, or some of them anyway, say "To hell with roses, candy and Hallmark!!! I will declare my love on the damn dumpster!" So, they do.

In order to clear up any confusion, this clever Romeo takes the first dumpster to tell his Juliet that he is aware she is with child. And to make it all the more touching, he knows it is his.

The next dumpster is just letting Juliet know that he still loves her. Why? Did she do something to this daring young man? This Shakespeare of Waste Management facilities? Who in the hell knows, but he does and to declare this devotion he wanted the whole, errr...community to know. And what better way to declare your love and whatever else that is crossed out? C'mon, a lil' dumpster lovin' baby!!

Apparently this Romeo's Juliet did not fall all over herself running to contact him. In order to show his concern, he must ask, "Baby, where are you?" Everybody knows she'd come to the dumpsters right? Why doesn't he just go to her house....I don't know about y'all, but I smelled not only garbage up there, I also caught a nice whiff of "this dude crazy, can I have a restraining order please?" There is a fourth dumpster but for some reason I cannot get the picture to load...it declares:

"I relly love you" Apparently dumpsters do not offer a spell check feature. To further emphasize this budding Romeo's love, the hubster asked me which dumpsters I went to. When I told him he informed me the other set about two miles down the road in the opposite direction had declarations of love and parenthood as well. Wonder if the mother-to-be can use this to establish paternity?


Some Southern Linky Love, Babyyyyyyy

Friday, September 08, 2006

The following new blogger stroked my ego and sent me an email saying she liked my blog....I visited hers, and I gotta say....I like hers...she's a hoot...and she blogs about fartin' on the hubby...how can you not love that? Her blog's called GRITS WITH CHEESE, ya gotta love it. Go ahead...click the name and tell her I sent ya!!!


And This is What My New Hometown Is Known For....

And yes...it's boiled peanuts that are the main attraction...(don't ya think the pics of the peanuts look..umm...rather phallic?)...we missed it this year...but by God, come hell or high water, we'll be there next year....LOL....Wanna read more...you know you do...click HERE


It's Moments Like These That Make Me Proud to Be A Mom & Wife

Monday, September 04, 2006

Nicklaus' teacher asked the class, "What are your goals this year?" Many a hand went up. One child wanted to finish their AR goals, another to make honor roll, yet another to be elected President of the 4-H club. And what did my eldest child answer? What was his deepest desire? Which goal did he want to achieve? Why honey, it was this: "I would like to kill my first deer this year."


Noni: Momma, I don't want to buy lunch at school anymore, I want you to make it.

Momma: Okay, but why don't you like school lunch, Noni?

Noni: Because you have to carry your tray. I don't like carrying my tray, Princesses shouldn't have to carry their lunch tray.

Momma: Well, hell, is that all? Momma will go right down there and get one of your loyal subjects to carry that for you. Geesh Noni....

Nicklaus: I wish y'all would give me $20 for the Book Fair. (keep in mind he wants to buy some piece of crap mini bug vaccuum, not books.)

Nutz Dad: I wish I had two assholes so I could shit faster.

Nicklaus: collapses into a fit of giggles.....nothing like some good bathroom humor to amuse your 10 year old.



Nicklaus absolutely loved this man and all that he did. At least he went doing what he loved the most, working with the animals he loved so very much.

Jason Staines
September 4, 2006 - 3:31PM

Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, has died after being struck by a stingray barb in Queensland.

Mr Irwin, 44 died after the stingray barb went through his chest while he was shooting a documentary off Port Douglas.

The Queensland Police Service has confirmed Mr Irwin's death. In a statement, it said Mr Irwin collapsed after being stung by a sting ray at Batt Reef, off Port Douglas, about 11am.

After being struck, Mr Irwin's crew called for medical treatment and the Emergency Management Queensland Helicopter responded, but he was dead before the treatment arrived.

The statement said Mr Irwin's family has been advised.

His American-born wife Terri is reported to be trekking on Cradle Mountain in Tasmania.

A spokesman for the Queensland Ambulance Service said officers attended the scene on Low Isles via helicopter at 12.04pm today and arrived back in Cairns at 12.53pm.

"The area it was delivered to was the problem. A sting ray hit to the chest is a big problem," he said.

Mr Irwin - known worldwide as the Crocodile Hunter - is famous for his enthusiasm for wildlife and his catchcry "Crikey!".

The father of two's Crocodile Hunter program was first broadcast in 1992 and has been shown around the world on cable network Discovery.

He also starred in movies and has developed the Australia Zoo wildlife park, north of Brisbane, which was started by his parents Bob and Lyn Irwin.

Foreign Minister Alexander Downer, who used a photograph of his family at Australia Zoo for his official Christmas card last year, hailed Mr Irwin for his work in promoting Australia.

Mr Irwin was heavily involved in last year's "G'Day LA" campaign.

"The minister knew him, was fond of him and was very, very appreciative of all the work he'd done to promote Australia overseas," a spokesman said.

A spokeswoman for Irwin's Australia Zoo said she was aware of reports of his death and the zoo would not be making any statements at this stage.

According to the zoo's website, Irwin was born in Victoria in 1962, but
moved with his family to Queensland in 1970 when his father, Bob, started a reptile park on the Sunshine Coast.

Irwin married American Terri Raines in 1992 after she visited the zoo
on holiday.



Livey wanted to see pics of the newest Nutz babies...our baby Sable got out and whored around...there were consequences... here they are:

Is this what they mean by grabbing a meal on the run??

This is Buster....we're keeping him!

He is known as, "my Baby Buster"


Oh My Lord, It's Grandaddy's Hand....

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Those are the words my niece, Lisa, spoke as she entered my new bathroom. Yep, I do have Grandaddy's hand in there folks. Grandaddy died when I was 5, he was awesome. He taught me how to cuss ("Tell your momma and daddy what you stepped in over there in the farmyard." "Giggle, giggle...Chicken shit!") and dressed me up in overalls and John Deere hats. None of that frilly girl shit momma put me in for his grandbaby!...And no, I do not have a freeze dried appendage of my late grandfather in my bathroom. Can you see it in this pic?

Nope? Here, I'll make it easier...it's there...in the window....on the right...

Someone gave my grandaddy some aftershave, probably before I was born, and when it was all used up, my grandma filled it up with some water and green food coloring and kept it in her bathroom. That's was just grandma's way, and I never thought anything of it. It was ALWAYS there. When she passed away, I asked for and received "grandaddy's hand." It's always been in my bathroom, and just because I have this "brand new, could be decorated with a theme" bathroom, I'd rather have grandaddy's hand. I have several such "sentimental" themes in my home. On the left hand side, if you look closely, you can see a somewhat garish gold vase. I bought that vase for my grandma one Christmas, to my young eyes it looked terrible expensive and thus, I wanted my grandma to have it. She displayed it proudly in her china cabinet for years.

On top of my kitchen cabinets I have a group of coffee mugs. Joey's mom collected them and after she died Joey got the ones he'd bought for his mom. The plastic horse? My grandma's, do I know why she had it? Nope....she just had it displayed for years, so chances are, one of us grandkids gave it to her. That's pretty much all that was required for it to be a precious heirloom in my grandma's eyes!

I'll be sure to post the pictures of the picture my granny gave me, it always hung in her house, it's a giant picture of some Catholic lady saint, she looks like Mary. No, she never was a Catholic, but had the picture hanging, I will do so as well. Proudly!!

Do y'all have things that may seem quite odd to others in your home also? Things that make totally no sense to anyone except yourself?


I Thought I Lived in The Country Before...Hell No....

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Alrighty then....I am sitting on the front steps the other night...minding my own damn business and from outta nowhere this huge buzzing, whirring, I don't know how in the hell to describe it, sound from something comes flapping by my head. I screamed like a little bitch girl, of course Joey was asleep inside and I coulda been getting shot at like Scarface and he wouldn't have missed a snore...so....I attempted to outmaneuver the whatever the hell this demon spawn was and the damn thing landed on my back...I was two seconds away from ripping my nightshirt off and running bare breasted as Eve before the Fall through my front 3.5 acres when this hummingbird sized creature took off....I caught a glimpse of it though...and when I went out the next night...I came prepared....I had my digital camera in hand to document this mutated species of insect life we have up here in the sticks...and yes...it's only a moth...but the damn thing is the size of a pigeon...I swear!!



Friday, September 01, 2006

Nathan knows how to open these doors and is outside in a flash honey....this is how I found him the other evening....silly me left him on the couch while I went to retrieve some jammies for him....yep....door locks that are put way up high, out of his reach are on the shopping list for this week...next week he'll figure out how to use the damn ladder....


Believe it or Not...It's Freebie Friday!!!