HOW TO TELL YOU ARE MARRIED TO A REDNECK IN 4 EASY STEPS!!
1. Well, first if you have access to a picture of your other half, and he/she (God I hope a SHE doesn't) looks like this. Notice the "Now it's deer season beard," this may also be known as the "I ain't gonna shave til' I kill one" beard. You needn't go any further. Yep, you have married a true
2. If your other's hair looks like an unkempt laboratory experiment animal gone awry BECAUSE, according to JOEY your beloved, "I ain't got time for hair do's woman, it's huntin' season. There's a big buck out 'der just waiting for Daddy to give him a new home, in our freezer." Just accept the fact that you are gonna hear hunting stories until the day you die. And they'll be told to you by an individual that needs a shave & a haircut for several LONG months out of the year.
3. If you've ever went to hug your hubby, and were overwhelmed by an intense odor of DIRT, complain about it and hear, "I gotta smell this way, the deer cain't smell me when I'm in my deer stand." Then t
Dang it, (see, it's rubbing off on me already) just accept it and go on....join your local AL-Redneck-Anon group. Still can't admit it? Alright, here's my last bit of proof, the one that pushed me to seek counseling concerning my redneck mate status. Wonderful support groups are available.
4. IF YOUR HUSBAND HAS A HARD DAY AT WORK AND MEETS YOU TO GO GRAB A BITE TO EAT WITH THE KIDZ, NANNY & POPPY AND SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY DECIDES THAT THE FOLLOWING WOULD BE A HOOT:
1) To make his hair, well, look like that up there, and you, thinking it's funny, get him to pose for a picture in your parent's yard. Hardee, har, har, you so funny, honey. Not so bad, right? Wait just a second....
2) He then decides somewhere after the meal and before going to pay the check that it would be sooooo funny to copy the same look from before, however, he decides to add a little twang to it. And proceeds to do so.
***PAY ATTENTION, THIS IS THE DEFINING MOMENT...***
3) I sat there watching the man I married transform into Jethro Bodine, all the while saying to him, "Dear Lord, stop....put your hair back right, quit, (teeth clenched a little now,) would you stop, people are looking at you." Well, that straightens him right up. Yep, sure does! (Most of you know how to pronounce the name "Kellie" rhymes with belly, Nelly, telly, you get the idea, right? Good! Remember it for this next part. Try to read it really slow, it will help you get the dialect right. There I sat, silently willing to either be swallowed up by the floor or for a really heavy ceiling tile, beam, asteroid, anything to hit him on the head, hard. Now, calm down, I didn't want him dead, just knocked out or stunned. Do you know what my cultured country boy said, and not in an inside voice?
"KAY - LEE....GATHER THEM YOUNGINS' UP NOW, WE'UNS NEED TO HEAD ON BACK HOME. KAY-LEE, DID JA HEAR ME HONEY? WHERE'S DEM YOUNGINS? DADDY'S TARRED, I NEED TO GO HOME AND REEEELAXXX."
I thank God every day for the wonderful man I married, oops, well, not really, but I am going to do it, once deer season is over!!.............BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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