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Just because we're such close personal friends...

Friday, August 12, 2005

I will share with you a very gross accident little mishap at the Harmon household this afternoon. We were waiting for Noni's flowers from "her" Aunt Lisa to arrive, Nicklaus was doing homework, Nathan had just fallen over the babygate while pseudo-rock climbing on the thing and I was rushing to the bathroom after kissing him and making it all better. Yep, due to being sick and all my tummy was a little upset. I made a mad dash, dropped the capris I had on and proceeded to sit and shit like a savage animal have a very upset tummy. Now, Nicklaus had already been told to not answer the door when someone knocked on it, it was a surprise for his little sister. Which was basically like telling a drunk monkey to sit still. While having the worst case of the shits of diarrhea ( without the help of castor oil) I've ever been cursed with a chain of events started like none I have ever experienced. First, the phone rings, it's Noni's Uncle wanting to tell her Happy Birthday, so I yell like a deranged psycho when the answering machine picks up and I hear who it is, "Noni, get the phone, pick up the phone it's for you!" While she is locating the phone and getting hello out of her mouth, a knock on the door is heard. I hear Nicklaus, the child who apparently did not hear me threaten his life if he opened the door begin running for the door to answer it. I am screaming at the top of my lungs, telling him to not open the door, and I think I have the situation under control, the worst wave of my upset stomach has passed so...I jump up, wipe quickly and begin a hurdle through my bedroom, race to the living room so I can make sure Noni gets her flowers by opening the door herself. Along the way I do 2 things, grab the phone from her and tell her Uncle that Noni has a delivery, he's fine with that, he was finished talking anyway, so I click the phone off, now on to Number 2 literally, my next few steps are the most horrific of any I have ever taken. Life suddenly moves in slow motion. I am on my last step when, yep, you guessed it, the final spurt of crapola breaks free of my clenched butt cheeks and down my leg I feel a trail of, there is no other way to say this, I feel a trail of shit. I let Noni open the door, she gets her flowers and I comment on the beauty of them, the scent of them...then I realize that the most overpowering scent is not the floral display just delivered, nope, it's the pound of doo-doo in my pants. I make a beeline for the bathroom, take off the soiled clothing and then proceed to begin running the water for my shower. Before I can disrobe completely though, here comes Nicklaus, asking for help with his homework. I tell him, "Not now son, give me a few minutes," to which he asks, "what is that smell, Mom?" "Nothing Nicklaus, nothing, just leave I'll be out in a few minutes," Ever the persistent one, he asks again, "Momma, what is that smell? It's horrible!!" So, I tell him in the most loving and patient manner I can, "It's shit son, what does it smell like...would you like to come and get a closer whiff?" Of course he does not, so....I shower alone, and end up smelling much better, and so does the room. I know this because as soon as I turn off the shower, he runs in my room again and says, "Thank you Momma, it sure does smell better in here now! Why did it smell that bad??" And again, being the loving patient parent I am I answered, "Well, hell I don't know, my crap usually smells like petunias, doesn't yours? I have no idea what happened, wait I know why! BECAUSE IT WAS SHIT SON, AND SHIT STINKS...Now, get out of my room or I'm gonna do it again and it won't be on me this time!!" Ahhh...the joys of motherhood and upset stomachs. He's 9 years old, and knowing this, I am sure that everyone in his class will know by the time school ends tomorrow that "My mom had an accident in her pants, and it sure didn't smell like petunias as usual..."