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Some people think they know it all....they don't

Thursday, July 21, 2005

I would like to share with you a story of childbirth. The miracle of bringing your little miracle into this world, this will not be a story about pain, blood or the million other gross things that happen to you when you prepare to bring that screaming bundle of joy into this world. This story is much worse, sorta. I was overdue by a week or so with my girl Noni. My doctor decided to wait and induce labor on Monday, August 13th, 2001. That should have been fine, it wasn't. I begged, I pleaded for her to do it earlier or wait and do it later and she refused. Bitch. The reason I was so adamant? My baby boy, Nicklaus, was starting big school, kindegarten, all day long on Monday, August 13th and I was damn and determined to be there. So, Thursday morning, the 9th, I began my plan. I would walk all day if necessary to begin this labor, my little boy could not go to school without me! Oh lord, I walked, up the street, down the street, that got to hot, so I jumped in the car and walked the mall. I must have walked 7-8 hours total. The only thing I accomplished was swollen legs and I was very sore. So, being the determined mommy I am, I researched other methods via the Internet. Raspberry tea was one. I went to the store and drank almost a whole box of that crappy tasting stuff, nothing. Sex was supposed to stimulate something or other, damn sure wasn't me, I was huge as a beached whale and that was just not on my agenda. However, I made hubby a very happy man...until the third time or so when I exclaimed, "nothing damn it, how soon before you can do this again?" Suffice to say, I stopped this method in the next hour or so. Then, my mom told me about something my godmother did, I AM NOT TELLING ANYONE TO DO THIS, seems the godfather was leaving town on business and she was determined he was going to be there with her when the baby came, even if she had to make the babe come herself, she did the walking thing too...and then she did the following: she went to the store, bought a bottle of castor oil and drank it down with a little orange juice? Did she have her baby? Nope, but she had shitty walls in her bathroom to clean up. Okay, just because it did not work for her, didn't mean it wouldn't for me and Momma's gots to take her boo to big boy school. So, off I went to the 24-hour Wal-Mart. Got a bottle of the stuff and drank it with my juice when I got home. Well, about 2 seconds after drinking that stuff, I had a HUGE contraction, you get where this is going, don't you? There was no way that crap worked that quick, labor had begun on it's own. Off we go to the hospital. All your standard tests are done, I am admitted, in the labor room, hospital gown on, IV in, legs ready for stirrups, laying on those huge pads that you lay on when you give birth and all of a sudden I get the funniest, crampiest, OMG feeling. My nurse, whom had been really chatty and such, to the point she got on my last nerve, and she hadn't given me my epidural yet either, BITCH....anyway, I pinpointed what this feeling was, I told her, you have got to let me go to the bathroom. Little Ms. Perky, proceeded to tell me that it was a normal feeling, the something or other muscle was pressing and it just made me feel like I had to use the bathroom. I attempted several times to be polite in my disagreement with her, I've had a baby this is not that feeling. "Honey, I promise you I've been a nurse a long time, and I know about these things." She happened to get a bit too close to my arms and I grabbed her upbeat cheerful little arm, pulled her down really close and said, "Listen, I've been ME a long time, I know about these things, and when I tell you I have to shit, I have to shit." She smiled, said nothing,except "Honey, I know you feel like you have to," and that was it...I stopped squeezing butt cheeks, crossing legs, holding stomach and yep, I shit everywhere, all over the bed, all over the pads, everywhere...and little Ms. Perky did not say one word, she changed pads, she wiped me down, everything, Being the sarcastic bitty that I am, I had to say this final thing, "Gee, Honey, I told you I had to go, but with your nursing skills you ascertained I didn't have to, could you please run out and bring some spray back, it smells in here..." She returned 3 minutes later with the spray. 30 minutes later I had a baby girl, I begged the doctor on call for my doctor to let me out in one day, some nurse had to come to the house to check Noni for jaundice on Monday afternoon. But Sunday, I left that hospital, with my baby, My mom had the newborn in the car while I sat on a bench in a shoe store feeling the pleasant effect of Tylenol 3 with codeine while my boy and his daddy bought school shoes to me for approval, and I approved the single most ugly pair of shoes in the world. And Monday Morning? I was taking my big boy to kindegarten, of course. So, when you think you know it all...shit happens and you realize you don't!