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A Funny E-mail From My Niece

Saturday, May 12, 2007

I got this in e-mail from my niece and I just had to share it. The sad thing is that's this "joke" is really more of a fact sharing monologue. Yep, it's all true and it's just a downright shame that most Southerners (myself included) have seen it, accept it as normal and understand it completely. (Items written after asterik are just my take on things.

The North and South

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.
(*I loves me some Dollar General, super cheap name-brand cleaning
supplies, I buy tons and never clean my house, well sometimes*)

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
(*Nasty, we never eat at the Waffle House, however
we do visit the Huddle House from time to time*)

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
(*When I was in high school I went out with a guy named Chris, once, why? Because I learned the next day from my dad that we were 2nd cousins. Chris and I decided rather quickly that we weren't right for each other. Yeah, I know there's no "shared" blood, but it's still gross* )

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
(*I prefer Revlon myself*)

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
(*Noni has a little girl in her class named "Sammi Jo"
I personally know a Linda Gail, Betty Jo,
Mary Ann, Mary Alice ,Billy Ray and Bessie May*)

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
(*Is that what you call Nascar?*)

Tne North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
(*and we use WATER to cook them, not MILK...
Milk in grits, that's just uncalled for!!*)

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
(*Now this one I find hilarious. Why? Because I eat just
collard greens (with pepper vinegar all the time.
In fact, I was talking on the phone to Livey and
told her I'd just eaten me a batch.*)

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.
(We have lobsters, they fly them in everyday,
but crawfish are mighty tasty as well)

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.
( *yep, within a 10 mile radius in my teeny tiny town,
population 1,176,there's 30+ churches, all with
witty sayings on their signs)


In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow
chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them,
just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
(*it's happened to me several times, Thank God for
huge 4 wheel drive, rebel flag waving trucks, redneck men!!*)

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....
do not buy food at this store.
(*Now this is too funny, there's a store like that about 3 miles from our house and besides the aforementioned items they sell pizza and chicken* "Yes, I'll take a tub of them night crawlers and a slice of pepporoni pizza to go)

Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
(*many of us will ask you this after you've just spoken one word.
We're just smart like that.*)

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
(*It will be used to season vegtables and other things ,
my mom told me once that bacon grease is what
she used to fry pork shops and such when she was first married
and money was scarce. They ate them everyday.*)

Don't be worried at not understanding what
people are saying. They can't understand you either.
(*get ready to hear, "Do What?" Which means translation please.*)

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy
(*but don't think we won't still know you a Yankee*)

Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.!
(*don't ever deny your country side...embrace it!!*)

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.
(*You have just got to click HERE and read that song.*)

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this,"
you should stay out of the way. These are likely to
be the last words he'll ever say.

(*and then the idiots will be pouring blood,
unable to move an arm or leg
and protest they don't need to go to
a doctor. This becomes "damn doctor,"as in not going to,"
if you've told them they need to get looked at over 2 times*)<br>

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

(*we actually had snow here a couple of years back...
about an inch, the malls closed for this "blizzard"*)

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

(*I've given him a few pointers. There's nothing better
than skeet shooting , to Nicklaus (click skeet shooting
if you don't know what the heck skeets are , oh wait,
click HERE maybe there is one thing he enjoys more.* )
In the South, we have found that the best way to
grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and
call it a driveway. We've already discussed this, unfortunately
that will do nothing for the 6+ acres that's so not lush
and can't be mowed without a riding lawnmore or bushhog

(* We've already discussed the driveway thing.
Wonder if we should just gravel the "lawn" also, oyster shells
are used a lot her for driveways and such..*
You keep the shells after your oyster roast*)(br)(Br)


If you do settle in the South and bear children,
don't think we will accept them as Southerners.

After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven,
we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

(oh no honey, your lineage must be connected to someone in the
Civil War to qualify as Truly Southren.