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Friday, March 09, 2007

We got the kidz trampoline put up....you should have seen them, they were so happy. It only took about 25 minutes. It hasn't been up in 8 months, since we moved. I guess it was just too much trouble. Nick, Noni and Nathan were laughing like I haven't heard them do in months! Well, the trip we took to Jekyll Island was awesome for them as well, we all had a great time. For the first time in forever, there were no put-downs, no yelling, no fighting. I wish it could have been like that all the time. Noni even said, "this is so much fun, daddy isn't yelling or screaming at mommy or anybody." God I wish I could freeze that weekend and just replay it over and over. My kidz were so happy. I thanked HIM like a million times for being so nice.....I know, you shouldn't have to thank someone who is supposed to be your partner in life like that, but I was just so grateful to have my husband back, if only for 2 days. I still don't know where it all went wrong. When did it become okay for him to talk to me like trash for everything. I was in no way perfect, but when we were best friends, none of this happened. When I still mattered to him, I was the luckiest woman on earth. I would get happy just hearing him come home from work. Somewhere it changed into hearing him pull up and me telling the kidz, "just leave daddy alone if he's in a bad mood, okay?" The moments of seeing the person he was kept disappearing, I kept telling myself if I just held on, he would realize how much he was hurting all of us, especially Nicklaus and me. If I prayed hard enough then things would change, if I could just get him to take his medication, go to counseling, I went with him once and would have continued, but that didn't happen. I even had my mom lined up to keep all three kids for the counseling sessions. I don't know, I'm just so confused. He's been my life for so long, we were so close that we finished each other's sentences. Somehow it ended up with me begging him every weekend to get up and do something, anything with us. I begged him to get up and we would work in the yard. If he did one thing nice for me, like bring me flowers, I would cry my eyes out, because I didn't have any nice in my life, if I didn't cry I thanked him a thousand times for the smallest act of kindness. A magazine picked up at the store for me to read, a lighter he bought because it was purple. I did not used to be so pathetic, like a little puppy, waiting for a treat, but along the way this is what I became. And I don't want to be that person anymore. But, even now, I worry, is he taking his medicine? Is he eating? And yes, I wonder, does he miss me, even a little, does he realize that this was not all some plot by me the evil bitch to screw him? It's just me, his wife, that he finally just pushed over the limit, the last moment I could stand it anymore, by hurting my son, my son who wanted his daddy to just love him and be proud of him, that's all Nicklaus ever wanted, a daddy who loved him and would teach him things, and he used to, but more and more it turned into yelled orders and how he was walking wrong in the woods, or how he was nasty or how he just wasn't good enough. The night before the whole yanking Nicklaus up and spanking him incident, he wouldn't even speak to Nicklaus. He played with the other two and Nicklaus tried talking to him, asking for a piece of fat off of a pork chop 3-4 times and then his daddy just gets up and throws it in the trash. Nicklaus tried to talk to him several more times, is ignored totally and then he grabs the other 2 and tickles them, and laughs and plays with them. I just could not have it happen anymore, he just kept getting worse and worse with me and Nicklaus....maybe this is a wake-up call. But I doubt it. He always told me he would never be like his father. And everything his father did, except physically abuse me, is what he's done. And when I take the same steps his mother did, I leave for my children, I am in the wrong. I remember times that we were supposed to go someplace together, with the kids or something and sometimes he would just end up taking the younger two. Why? Because Nick or I had somehow caused him to fly into a rage and he would just leave us or I would just stay home, my heart bruised for my son and for myself. I am so sorry to write so much, but this is my blog, it is my place to vent and I have no one else right now that can even remotely understand that after all we've been through, in my mind, I still see the tall, long haired man that my little boy fell in love with before I did, the one that I thought loved us and would protect us and love us for the rest of our lives. My best friend, the man that used to buy glass roses for me all the time, and make me feel so loved, even when he wasn't there. He'd call just to see how we were doing during the day and tell me he loved me. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. To this day, when everything is in one of the few but far between normal phases, my heart just does that dropping feeling when we kiss. This is the man I fell in love with, and as horrible as it has been, I still see glimpses of him from time to time and that is what made me hang on so hard, so scared to lose him. And that is why I keep praying that somehow, a miracle will occur, and than man will come back forever. And you can bet your butt y'all......I'd never let him go. I think you only get one true love in life and this was mine. It just ended way too soon and some other person that looked exactly like my love took his place.

Wow...I was just looking at the site meter and I've gotten a new reader or two I guess....but, I know them...and it's all good. It's funny how people who knew what you were going through, and listened to the tears, sympathized, and told you they had witnessed acts, much like I've described, by my husband, before we got married, suddenly forget them. Blood is thicker than water....but my question would be this.....aren't my two youngest children "blood" also? Now....enough of that, just didn't want anyone thinking I didn't know they were now visiting me in my little online home!

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