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Friday, March 09, 2007

is not really a good day....
I seemed to be depressed more and more....
I can't stop thinking that he could have changed if we were more important....if I were more important....
I can't grasp the fact that you can be with someone for 7 years and know, deep down in your heart, that all they feel is rage for you....
Does he even miss his wife and family?
Is there any room in his heart for that? Or did I finally just unleash the beast for good and all he knows is hate and anger now?
I know the kids miss their daddy.....does he miss them?
Did I do the right thing with a 30 day protective order? I know that he wouldn't try and hurt the kidz....but he would be spewing profanity and calling me names in front of them right now if I wasn't there (hell, he did that when I was there)
I am trying to stay strong.....I just don't feel like it....
and when I moved back in with my parents, I knew it would be hard.....
I seem to have lost ALL control over my life....the little I had....my kidz are told what to do and how to do it and we've just got to respect it, because it's not our house....my mom has things in a very precise way, and we've got to keep them that way....and it's hard on my kidz......I don't know....just another "stream of consciousness" post I guess.....I just wish the lady that helps with housing would call....maybe something could be done soon.....and with the childcare assistance I could get a job, and we could make it on our own...in our own home....with our own rules....and yes, I keep wondering if maybe, in some alter universe, could he seek help and maybe months down the road, will I have my family back? I know it won't happen....but....

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