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Five Things I've Learned Since Having Kidz

Sunday, June 25, 2006

* How to take a crap or pee in front of 3 other people. When Mommy goes to the bathroom a super silent alert goes out and all 3 of my husband's spawn darlin' kidz and they must converse with me, tattle to me, or stick their noses under the door, for what I don't know...I've asked if the scent of crap is an attractant. I believe it is.

** When your child reaches the toddler stage at some point you will turn into some cheerful human and sound like a deranged winner of the friggin' Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes. The reason for such excitement? Well it ain't Ed McMahon. It means your toddler has picked up ONE block and returned it to the toy box. The general idea is: If I cheer loud enough said toddler will continue picking up their toys. They do not.

***At some point the thought of eating a well balanced meal will fly out the window and you will look like someone in a thirld world country that does not know when you will eat again. How so? You will see nothing wrong with finishing off that last bit of mac and cheese, hot dog, soup, crackers, green beans, etc...that your kid has left on their plate. Some call them scraps, I call them an impromptu prix fixe dinner.
**** It is entirely possible to talk on your cell phone (via earpiece) drive the speed limit, change the radio station, and knock the shit outta a passenger in the back seat.

*****Threaten to bodily harm, maim or kill another person and have no fear of being prosecuted for terroristic threats. I once had been pushed beyond all belief and told my eldest: If you don't shut up I am going to kill you...then I will be on Death Row and be executed....how would you feel then? To which he replied, "Well, you'd be dead so I know you wouldn't feel anything." Smart ass, I have no idea where he gets that. You?