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I thought I'd drop a line to say goodbye...they are definitely coming to take me away SOON!!

Saturday, September 24, 2005

When I took this picture, I thought it showed my two eldest with some dirt on their faces. After being in this house with them the last week during illness, and knowing I have 4 more days of undivided attention by these two, I decided to investigate my dirt theory. And, geezuz...y'all are not going to believe this, I swear, CSI could not have gathered this much information on these two demonic creatures quicker than I have. This is not dirt at all, it's sulfur and brimstone residue. They picked up while visiting their friends. In reality, these children are not really children at all!! They are known to be close associates of, none other than, Beelzebub !!! I guess that makes them like, junior deputys or something in Satan's army. What you think I am kidding? If you could have spent even half an hour with these 2 today, you'd be carted off wailing and gnashing your teeth!! I must have rebuked these two a million times, nothing worked!! Not even the tried-n-true "Get thee behind me Satan!!" Oh hell, now I know exactly what these two have planned for me....eternal torment, (well at least until college graduation or their first parole date) and for me to lose the one thin string of sanity I am clinging to desperately. Let's give a little recap of my day...shall we? I will only list a couple, to list more would require HOURS of typing time...and dammit...I'm tired.

Plan of Action # 1

If we fight and argue over the stupidest damn things, she will go completely insane

Asked these two to pick up THEIR stuff out of the living room....about 672 times. Finally, they started. After 2.2 seconds the eldest, the boy child, begins to chant, "Momma, she's not helping, she's not helping, she's not helping, etc..."
The girl child responds, in the most screeching, cut to the bone wail, "Momma, Nicklaus is saying I'm making hamburgers, Momma, Nicklaus is saying I'm making hamburgers.

Does anyone see what I mean??? WTF?? If you don't understand what your sibling says, then just try to match it phonetically to whatever you can. Hamburgers??? Now who in the hell tattles on someone for making hamburgers?? See, it is so moronic, it HAS to be some diabolical plan to make me pull my hair out and walk around in sackcloth and ashes, wailing, mind you.

Plan of Action #2

If we see HER do something, let's mess it up ASAP, that's sure to get her enraged and thus, she will yell loudly....

I have to own the world's ugliest couch, I swear, I posted a godawful picture above. The only way this couch could be construed as moderately attractive, is well...if you take a hit of acid or two while watching Pink Floyd "The Wall" and you could watch the psychedelic flowers spin. At least that is what I've been told. So, in an effort to at least try to keep it in this decade, I bought the world's most annoying couch cover, it takes FOREVER to put it on. I washed and dried it today, took FOREVER putting it on and, yep...you guessed it...as soon as the damn thing was on for 10 minutes, those two had jumped all over it making it come off again. Did I yell?? HELL YES!!! Was it loud?? Again, HELL YES!!!

I am sorry, this is just too strenuous to list more....and I have to get a double Bloody Mary...STAT....plus I need to find out how to convert to Catholicism and arrange for an exorcism as quickly as possible. If it is possible....

If if is not?? Then there are only three possible outcomes, they are as follows:
  • I will go stark raving mad and the men from the loony bin will arrive and put me in a nice, cozy straightjacket and haul me away.
  • I will be reported to the authorities by my neighbors for yelling so much, and so LOUD at Satan's henchmen and get an all expense paid trip to the cross bar hotel.
  • OR....I will be that frazzled old woman, we've all seen, that wanders around in her robe and talks to inanimate objects. While others try to figure out exactly how many rats slept in her hair too make it look that nappy.

    Now...ask me just how happy this damn camper is that school is out for two days....I'll pay for the gas...promise....