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It's a Southern Thang, Y'all!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


A dear friend of mine was recently down South and was quite perplexed by the way those of us brought up in the South do things. It seems we appear two-faced and our actions appear as contradictory or otherwise an out-n-out lie. I've been over this six times til' Sunday and still can't get my buddy to understand that we are not really bad people, I do not presume to say everyone in the South is raised this way, however I was and a good many others as well. So, I thought I'd give a little tutorial in how we do thangs 'round these parts.

We're not always honest I guess. Example? Where do I start?

1) A car pulls up in the drive just as soon as you've started trying to clean your house, balance your checkbook, take a nap, etc. When the doorbell or knock sounds, you throw the door open, smile wide and say, "Y'all c'mon in!" When the guests ask, "Hope we didn't catch you busy." The reply? "Of course not, y'all sit on down. Can I get you anything to eat or drink." technically, yes, you were busy, but that would be just rude to make a guest feel unwelcome. Wouldn't it?

2) Same type of thing I guess, but suppose you have somewhere to be and you've invited guests for lunch. Y'all sit and talk a while and they say, "Guess we better be heading out." Do you reply, "Well, I need to be at so-n-so in a few minutes."? Hell no, you say, "What's your rush? No need to take off so quick." If it something that simply cannot be put off, you feel really guilty and ask them to come back later in the day, tomorrow, etc. And you apologize. Same basic rule, NEVER MAKE A GUEST FEEL UNWELCOME.

3) Never cause a scene in public. No dramatic acts, unless it's hot and you begin to swoon. Why? Because LADIES do not cause scenes. Those that do are of the lower, umm....Trashy sort and were clearly not raised right. This is null and void after a few cocktails and some trashy sort decides to show her ass. Then all bets are off, I've stomped quite a few asses in my day because of this, but did NOT tell my Momma.

4) Another example? A dear friend comes up to you and has a seriously short, very unattractive haircut. When she worriedly asks, "Does it look okay, really?" Do you say, "Why hell know, I've seen road kill on rice that looks better than that!"? YOU DO NOT, "You smile and say, " I love it, I bet it's a lot cooler on your neck and it really shows off your cheekbones!" Really, tell me, what would be the point of letting her know it is truly awful. What can she do except wait for the hair to grow back or wear a hat until it does.

5) You never, never, never insult someone's momma. EVER. Nor do you insult their children. It is perfectly fine for me to call my children Spawns of Satan...However if you do...Well then....Refer to #3 - cocktail not required.