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Things I Learned During Christmas Vacation

Thursday, January 05, 2006

1) In the past I've been quite proud to proclaim, "I am a full time stay at home mom of 3." However, after having all three of my HELLIONS children in my home 24 hours a day, I realize that I have been lying. I am a full time stay at home mom to a 2 year old, I have my 4 year old after 12:00 each day, and my eldest, 10, after 2:25 pm, Monday - Friday. If I had all three of these children every day, all day, I would be institutionalized. At the least I'd be sitting in a corner babbling incoherently and slobbering all over myself.

2) I have also learned that no matter how much you dress up your little girl in pink, frills and lace, and no matter how much she loves all the girly stuff, it will only take one outing with Daddy to "the place we do not speak of" and she will come back like this: Yes, that is a dead bird in her hand, she went on a dove hunt with Daddy and her brother. Yeehaw honey!! (Please be advised, Noni did NOT shoot the gun she is holding, it is unloaded and safety is on, plus daddy is right there, she is well supervised.)

3) It is very annoying and slightly amusing to drive your "had one drink too many" husband home. I was subjected to the following:
My husband thinks he is a Jack in the Box, he kept popping up from the passenger's seat every few minutes to say or ask:
a) Hell, what are you a Nascar driver?

b) Slow down, watch out for that car!

c) Where in the hell are we going?

d) Quit riding the brake!!

My replies were:

a) Yeah, I'm a damn Nascar driver can't you
tell by all the money we have?

b) I am going the speed limit.
Honey, that car is behind us.

c) Where are we going? Hell, let's think
about that shall we? Wanna just
keep driving till we cross the border?

d) I am applying the brake, not riding it,
we are at a stop sign.

I also rolled down the windows so the car wouldn't smell like smoke when the kidz got in. You would have thought I'd put him in an igloo the way he bitched about the cold. I rolled them up and opened the sunroof. His reaction? Let me just kick the damn windshield out and I'll ride with my goggles on.

4) When you decide that you can't pay the cable bill and research Direct TV planning to utilize the special deal, praying that when the 3 month time limit is up you can afford it, it is always a great idea to actually KNOW you can get Direct TV. We'd have to cut down half the trees in the yard to get it. So, here I was, stuck in a house with a fuzzy picture TV, rabbit ear antennae and 3 kidz jonesing for some Sponge Bob.

5) I need to research sexual innuendo or foreplay methods. Seems like I am behind the times. I mean how could I not know, "You going to stay on that computer all night?" Is actually slang for, "I want to make love to my wife?"

6) There is no way on earth to keep our climbing monkey boy, Nathan, out of the kitchen area. The first picture is of the regular baby gate. The second of the new "improved" model. A piece of smooth wood nailed to the gate. It worked for 2 hours. Then he scaled it like a champ.

7) I learned that if your oldest son changes clothes 3 times a day, your daughter 5 times a day and you change your baby's outfit 2-3 times, you can run your washer and dryer 24 hours straight and it will still look like this: If only my laundry were a source of fuel...damn, we'd always have plenty.!!

8) I learned while reading a bit about Andrea Yates and Susan Smith, (both evil/sick women who drowned their children) that if anything ever happened to mine I would be the last suspect. Why? By all accounts the above two were perfect mothers, never raising their voices, patient, kind, etc...Hell, you can hear me yelling at my kidz 3 miles away. No one could testify that I was a model mother, therefore, I am incapable of harming my children, because quite frankly, most days I suck at motherhood. We play it by ear around hear....and my kidz are great.

9) Every year I go to Bass Pro Shop or Home Depot or some other "manly" type store for the kidz to buy daddy's presents. I suggest useful or wanted items, camo gear, knife, gloves, socks, deep fryer for fish, etc. Every year Joey let's the kidz pick out whatever they want. I've recieved teddy bears, ugly ass water fountain thingys, cake mix (yep, a cake mix) & much more. Every year I've had to act overjoyed and then place the item in a prominent place in our home to display. My all time favorite was a golden retriever statue that Nicklaus found at Wal-Mart. Keep in mind at this time their was a golden retriever running around the neighborhood, staying in our yard at times, stealing items that interested it. I'd left my favorite pair of shoes in the whole world, Bass leather slide on type, they were not cheap shoes, well that mutt took them. Soooo, I was not the biggest fan of that particular breed. Now we own one, go figure. Anyway, this year Joey thought it would just funnier than hell to let me thing Nicklaus had picked out another Jim Dandy gift. I was told that the box contained a complete set of figurines. The set was an African-American family. Keep in mind, I didn't care if it was African American, Jewish, or hell, statues of my own damn family, I did not want nor need more dust collectors. The hubster really enjoyed my discomfort when I had to open the package, he knew I was building up my enthusiasm for another totally useless, not needed, present. Well, my funny man lied. Nicklaus had picked me out a crock pot. The funniest part? When Nicklaus asked me, "Did I outdo the dog statue, mom?" To which I replied, "You sure did, that dog statue was a hard one to top, but you did it!!"

10) I gained this handy piece of knowledge. Sometimes only 50 yards or so is all that is needed to completely change one's piss poor attitude into one of complete and utter joy. No explanation needed, look below:
11)***Note, this actually occurred before the holidays, but I thought I'd throw it in also.*** My biggest lesson concerned a certain prescription drug. See, I took my Ambien one night, and it did not do anything, so I took another. Then I forgot I'd taken 2 and proceeded to take another. Let's just say I was too looped for words. Joey said one eye was staring at the wall and the other at him. I was the most annoying little shit on the face of the earth that night. Joey said, "I would have left that night and stayed elsewhere, but, then I thought about it and said, hell no, I ain't leaving my youngins' with her loopy behind." I did all kinds of brilliant things but, I will share this one with you, it's by far the best: Noni, in a moment of absolute brilliance, decided that using a whole tub of Kandoo wipes for her butt was an excellent idea. It wasn't. The toilet was stopped up. Joey was getting the wipes out and told me "I am going outside to throw these away, stay away from the bathroom." I took this to mean he wanted my help. I proceeded to arm myself with huge barbecue tongs and my Fry Daddy strainer to perform this bit of plumbing repair. Picture me with the following 2 items rushing down the hall, eyes crossed, off balance, repeating, but I just wanna help and just knowing in a way that only a true f**ked up person can, that I was going to get that toilet fixed honey. Who needs Roto Rooter when they have me? Joey was not amused. I don't remember if I was.