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I am so glad you visited me today....

Thursday, October 27, 2005


I have officially declared that this Mom is no longer NUTZ!! That's right folks, I am now, t-totally, certifiable, not one spare marble, slobbering in a corner, INSANE. Now, you that have read my little blog know that my daddy is a Southern Baptist Preacher Man...so, we Baptists don't believe in purgatory. BUT, if I did, I'VE DONE MY TIME....LET ME OUT...NOW!! Today has been so crappy from the moment I woke up until NOW. And the day is not over yet. Well, I guess the best way to let you know what I am talking about is to start at around 8:00 pm last night and progress on. I warn you, this is not for the faint of heart. Also note, that Noni is the only child that did NOTHING to drive me insane....that in and of itself told me that I'm loopy.I AM STILL WONDERING WHERE IN THE HELL THIS KIND OF DAY WAS MENTIONED IN MY MOMMY MANUAL!!!

Joey is usually long gone by this time, 6:30 am, but this morning was a little different, you see, hubby was really tired. Why you ask? Never fear, you will know why and probably more than you want to know soon enough. As mentioned before, hubby hunts. Hubby lives for hunting. Hubby would die if he did not get to kill a wild animal. Soooo....there's a hunting area close to our house....about 2 miles back in some woods and all. As you've probably figured, Joey comes home, takes his
Tomcat and traipses through the woods. He says he'll be back at dark thirty, (southern euphemism for nightfall) Well, I heard the gun go off and then nothing. For the next hour and a half nothing. I'd convinced myself that my husband had shot himself and now lay dying in the woods. But, it was cold, dark and those woods are spooky so, I decided to wait a little longer. (Mentally calculating the amount of life insurance he has-JUST KIDDING) Well, finally he comes home, out of breath and racing in to get the phone. He quickly calls a friend of ours that has a hunting dog. Why? Because the deer was shot, but did not die at the scene. And it seems ol' Jethro needs a little canine expertise to located his kill. They arrive, the dog pretty much can't find his ass from a hole in the ground so, the three human tracker begin to track the deer. I must add that I don't hunt, but if he likes it more power to him. Nothing is going to get me in woods, after dark, in the cold. Well, if I heard there was a Louis Vitton strapped to a tree out there, I might, but I'd wait for daybreak. Back to the story....many hours pass, the phone rings and I answer it, "Hello" keep in mind it's 11:30 by this time and I live in a neighborhood where the houses are not right on top of each other, but they are not far apart either. Okay, now the phone conversation,

Johnny- The dog man: "Ummm...Kellie?"
Me:"Yeah, did you find the deer?"
Johnny: "Umm....NO, we lost the trail."
Me: "Alrighty then "
Johnny: "We really need you to do a favor"
Me: (quite wary at this point) "What?"
Johnny: "Well, these woods go on a lot longer than we thought. And, well, we need you to go outside and blow your car horn, we need to see if we are headed in the right direction."
Me: "Y'all are lost? Oh my lord, the great hunters are wandering aimlessly in the wilderness"
Johnny: "Can you blow the horn?"
Me: "Do you realize that if I go out there at 11:30 pm and start blasting my horn, my neighbors with assume that I am on crack or something and will call the cops?"
Johnny: "I know, sorry, but we really need to find our way out..."

So, for the next half hour or so, I am called about 10 times and told I needed to blow the horn again....damn, I felt like a fool. Finally, they found their way home. And none of these could answer this question. "Okay, I'm no woodsman or outdoorsman, but if y'all followed a blood trail all the way back there, why couldn't you follow it out again?" My reply was silence.

Next bit of evidence on why I am stark raving mad, begins now.
I wake Nicklaus up for school. And yes, he does have hillbilly teeth on the picture with a gold tooth. I suppose he's a hick Thug....that just one of those special little presents his Nanny buys. Anyway, I'm sitting on the couch and I hear his bus go by. He gets up and goes into his room. I assume he's grabbing his bookbag. He's not, He proceeds to miss his bus and I take him to school when I leave to take Noni. BUT...I lie down on the couch because I don't have to leave for another hour to take Noni. I ask Nicklaus, who is sitting 3 feet in front of me, if I doze off, please wake me up when "Postman Pat" comes on. Yep, I tell morning time by what kidz show is on. Nathan is asleep on the couch beside me. Nicklaus doesn't wake me up, but I do wake up in plenty of time. I heard something like keys rattling. Holy shit...Nathan has got my purse from somewhere and proceeded to go through FOUR tubes of lipstick. He is covered from head to toe. All the while Nicklaus is zoned into the TV and never once noticed. Now, it's not his responsibility to watch his baby brother, HOWEVER, my kidz tattle on each other for the most lame reasons imaginable, and he did not once scream, "MOM...NATHAN'S IN YOUR PURSE." I will include this picture of my cherubs pajamas, I was way too rushed and frazzled to take his picture. Suffice to say, he has red and variations of red, from his ass to his elbows. And finally, the straw that broke this mom's back. And just for clarification purposes so you may see that my life has gone to shit. Nathan, quite gleefully, reached into the back of his diaper and got 2 handfuls of freshly made poo to share with his family. Only a picture can do this justice, I apologize, I did not take one of him grinning maniacally while squishing his masterpiece between his hands. I tell you. That boys got some talent, poo must be his medium of choice. Image hosted by Photobucket.com Either that or he thinks it's just some really stank Play Doh....I'm know this to be fact ...somehow or other, my children were sent here to torment me until I can take no more....almost there....Just so you can fully share in my day to day joys of motherhood, I've included a close-up as well.Image hosted by Photobucket.com And yes, he did jump in the tub diaper and all. But between trying to remove shit from 95% of my kidz body and going around and picking up poo poo balls like they were Easter Eggs, I couldn't have cared less. Too complete my day, I forgot to give Nicklaus his ADD mecicine this morning and he bounced from one end of the house to the other. And if I ever hear "Knock, Knock one more time.....I am not responsible for my actions. If someone had told me in my youth that I was going to marry a direction challenged redneck, have a kid that is capable of bouncing off any wall with spastic ability and a baby that loves to fling, play with, mold, try to digest his own feces, I would have immediately went out and found a high powered rifle and ended it all right there....ROFLMAO