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I love you....you love me....we're a happy...family....YEAH...Alrighty then

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Well....hello there...I feel as if I’ve been in a war torn country helping uncivilized people know how to act in "normal" society. What in the hell have I been doing you ask? Well, I ventured farther than my normal shopping trip to "the place we do not speak of" today honey. I want my damn combat medal NOW!! Yep, I took all 3 of my hellions beautiful children to the Mall. Yep....had Nanny there to help. And by Nanny, I mean my mother, what you think I can actually afford a caretaker? Yeah, right, if I could, I’d drink a whole lot less Bloody Mary cocktails, take a few less Tylenol P M tablets and look a helluva lot more rested than I do. We had Nicklaus the spaz child running hither and yon babbling incoherently, can anyone just come and slap the shit outta me for forgetting the ADD medication this morning? Not really, I’d hit back, HARD. The princess of all, Her Royal Pain in the Buttitis, Noni, sashaying throughout the Mall like a nightmare version of Christina Aguilera (if it’s spelled wrong, sorry, I am too damn tired to Google it) at 4 years old and Nathan, the angel child. Well...I’ll get to that in a moment. We went to Old Navy first, we had to buy Noni something yellow, tomorrow is yellow day at Pre-K. Next there will be a magenta day, and aquamarine day, and who in the hell knows what else?? (Just kidding, although I am not altogether sure that I am!) The day following yellow day, we have Farm Day. Now if I let her Daddy take over, he’d probably just stick a long piece of hay in her mouth and let her step in some cow shit on the way to school...but we can’t do that, can we? After listening to my eldest two act like they so needed a helmet and a space on the short bus for what seemed like days, in reality it was only 30 minutes or so, we left the first store. I thought that was it....woooheeee...we were through!! A quick stop by the "place we do not speak of" for a bandana (isn’t that what Ellie Mae wore? Hell, I don’t know, I am playing this one by ear.) Anyway, we were not through. It was Clinique Bonus Time at Macy’s....yippee ki yi yay.....Nanny had to go and get her makeup and freebies honey, I would have too...but we have color days now...I have no money for my colors. Anyhoo....as we were waiting for those horribly, insufferable, perky, bitchy cosmetic people to wait on us, Noni begins yelling, "Running baby, running baby...." I look and sure enough some woman, obviously unaware of the dangers of allowing babies to run freely without supervision in public, has let her child run free. He is running, giggling having the time of his life and my mom begins to say, "Surely that child’s mother is looking for him...." Before she can get the complete sentence out, I let out with the cry, "OH MY GOD...." and proceed to tackle the giggling baby...yep, it’s one of my spawn own...it’s Nathan. He has somehow, with my mother’s hands, both of them, on the stroller, unsnapped and slithered out the bottom of the stroller with all the stealth usually possessed by Indian scouts in old Westerns or Harry Houdini. He never made a sound, a motion, he took off around the counter and was outta there...like a streak of lightening. Of course he was giggling like a banshee....so, the next time you see a small child, laughing with glee in a store near you, one shoe on and one shoe off, cackling like a madman....look for me....and if I’m not there....you chase him...I’ll pay a finder’s fee...eventually. Goodnight now...I need my Tylenol and another cocktail!