Another Wonderful Joeyism
Saturday, October 27, 2007
If you remember the tattoo story, this is a little follow up. If you need to refresh your memory, click HERE. Anyway, I was talking to my friend, Sherri about this and she asked, "So, when ya gonna tattoo my name on you?" I replied, "Why next week, right on my left ass cheek!" Joey heard all of this, we were outside at my parents' house and we went back in and were sitting around talking to my dad and nephew. We related the topic of discussion and my husband added the following, what could only have formulated in my husband's mind, idea:
"I'm going to tattoo a "B" on each cheek, then when I bend over, it'll say "BOB."
His next idea however, was the undoing of my father, he was laughing so hard he had tears coming out of his eyes.
"No, I'll tell you what I want. I want to put an "M" on each one, then when I bend over it will say "MOM" and if I stand on my head, it will say "WOW!!"
Labels: crazy ass husband, Joey, joeyisms
Beginning This Friday Night, I Will Be A Single Mother....
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Why you ask? Has his bi-polar crazy ass pushed me to my limit again? Ummm....welll....No....it's just that it is now huntin' season and we all know what that means. He'll work Monday-Friday and then take off for the woods as soon as possible. Heck, most nights he'll go into the woods here at the house and stay gone until a little after dark. If I live to be a hundred years old I will never understand sitting in a tree and either freezing or being dinner for mosquitoes all in the name of killing Bambi. I'm sure he doesn't understand half of what I enjoy, so we're even. He loves it so much I couldn't bitch and complain about it. So, there you have it... Woman marry Redneck, Redneck go Huntin', Bring Lots of Meat for Family, Woman cooks it. Woman WILL NOT eat it.
Labels: crazy ass husband, deer, hunting, redneck
Overheard At The Nutz Household....
Thursday, July 19, 2007
I researched the depression thing and it says it is a "unipolar" condition. I was telling this to bipolar husband and Nicklaus overheard. Later he asked me this:
**"Mom, if you are unipolar and Dad is bipolar, what will we be?" Nicklaus, you'll be tripolar, Noni will be quadrapolar." "What will Nathan be, Momma?" "Heck Nicklaus, he'll be normal, there's always gotta be one in the family."
** Husband: "Big Momma (one of the chickens) is gone." Noni: "Momma, did you kill her?" Of course I didn't.
**"Moooooooooommmmmmmm....Nathan pooped in his dresser drawer."
**Husband: "You're looped out of your mind, aren't you?" Medicated Mommy: "Pretty Much." (I have 2 new medicines, I will tell you about that is another post.)
**After a particularly trying day with myoperatives for al-Qaeda ahem...kidz. Husband: "You know what there problem is, don't you? They've come unwhipped."
**Earthshattering caterwauling coming from the back seat. Earsplitting and headache inducing. Noni: " I can't sing opera like I used to. I used to be really good, now I am just good. That was in preschool and kindergarten though. I'm gonna be in first grade."
And you wonder why I am now a Medicated Mommy?
**"Mom, if you are unipolar and Dad is bipolar, what will we be?" Nicklaus, you'll be tripolar, Noni will be quadrapolar." "What will Nathan be, Momma?" "Heck Nicklaus, he'll be normal, there's always gotta be one in the family."
** Husband: "Big Momma (one of the chickens) is gone." Noni: "Momma, did you kill her?" Of course I didn't.
**"Moooooooooommmmmmmm....Nathan pooped in his dresser drawer."
**Husband: "You're looped out of your mind, aren't you?" Medicated Mommy: "Pretty Much." (I have 2 new medicines, I will tell you about that is another post.)
**After a particularly trying day with my
**Earthshattering caterwauling coming from the back seat. Earsplitting and headache inducing. Noni: " I can't sing opera like I used to. I used to be really good, now I am just good. That was in preschool and kindergarten though. I'm gonna be in first grade."
And you wonder why I am now a Medicated Mommy?
Labels: bipolar, crazy ass husband, depression, my kidz are crazy, my kidz are terrorists, nut house
NEVER Send a Man To Do A Woman's Job....
Friday, June 29, 2007
Hubby called on the way home from work. It's Friday, that's Payday baby!! He was stopping by the "place we do not speak of" on the way home and wanted to know if I needed anything. "Why yes I do, I told him." "What?" asked hubster. Well, Momz replied,
- Pads
- Tylenol PM
- Chocolate
We don't have to guess what time it is, do we ladies? Anyhoo, he's done this a million times. I'm not picky, I only have two specifications.
- Make them the Super kind.
- NO WINGS, I don't do wings, I am not flying anywhere.
I am on my period, not embarking on a friggin' vacation.
When hubby arrived home, I went to help him unload the stuff he got at the "place we do not speak of." Following is our conversation as we walked to the van.
Hubby: "Kellie, I went to pay for "those" things and they were $14!!!"
Me: "$14??? Geez...what'd you do??? Buy me enough to last until menopause??? $14, what kind of pads did you buy me? They better be lined with gold. $14, I've never paid $14 for pads in my life....this I gotta see."
And see I did. This is what my darling husband, one who's purchased feminine products for me a million times bought me.
This is what the Poise description is:
Let’s face it — period pads just aren’t designed for the specific wetness and worries of bladder weakness like POISE® products.
Me: "You dork, you bought me pads for people that piss themselves."
Hubby: "Are you serious? I just looked at the picture of the big pad and it said Super on it."
Me: "Well, guess I won't have anymore annoying trips to the bathroom at night anymore...I can just lie there and pee all I want....(I really wouldn't do that...ya know...well, unless I was reallllllly tired....BWAHAHAHAHA)
My next move? I have got to call LIVEY and tell her this one....damn...I hope she's home.....
Labels: crazy ass husband, crazy life, pads, period
Definition of Crazy
Thursday, June 07, 2007
HIM: I've asked and asked "them" to come over and they won't.
Keep in mind there is no telling what they've all sat around and said about me. However, for sake of argument, fine, he's asked "them."
ME: Well, did you or did you not say that you were tired of asking them and if they didn't come over then you were through going over there? (this was Monday...k?)
HIM: Yes, I did say that. But you could have come with me some.
ME: After *SHE* called me a whore and said I slept with a seventeen year old?
HIM: She said she didn't call you a whore.
ME: When you say your brother's wife slept with a 17 year old boy the whore is implied.
HIM: She said she didn't say you did that.
ME: Are you trying to make me lose my mind? YOU ARE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME SHE SAID IT. YOU TOLD ME.
I swear at this point I have no clue who he is. And I also have no trust nor respect right now. I don't even believe he's at work. I really do feel in my heart he's over there, hanging out, having a good time. Well, enjoy that while ya can...they leave on Sunday...I'm here to stay. Or you can pack your trusty Wal-Mart bags and stay with the bitch in law. Either way...don't care. I am so sick of crying over him, it's pathetic. But, I know me. The tears will stop...and then I'll be over it. Been there, done that and have the gowns to prove it.
Keep in mind there is no telling what they've all sat around and said about me. However, for sake of argument, fine, he's asked "them."
ME: Well, did you or did you not say that you were tired of asking them and if they didn't come over then you were through going over there? (this was Monday...k?)
HIM: Yes, I did say that. But you could have come with me some.
ME: After *SHE* called me a whore and said I slept with a seventeen year old?
HIM: She said she didn't call you a whore.
ME: When you say your brother's wife slept with a 17 year old boy the whore is implied.
HIM: She said she didn't say you did that.
ME: Are you trying to make me lose my mind? YOU ARE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME SHE SAID IT. YOU TOLD ME.
I swear at this point I have no clue who he is. And I also have no trust nor respect right now. I don't even believe he's at work. I really do feel in my heart he's over there, hanging out, having a good time. Well, enjoy that while ya can...they leave on Sunday...I'm here to stay. Or you can pack your trusty Wal-Mart bags and stay with the bitch in law. Either way...don't care. I am so sick of crying over him, it's pathetic. But, I know me. The tears will stop...and then I'll be over it. Been there, done that and have the gowns to prove it.
Labels: bitch in law, crazy ass husband
It's Just A Mind Game...
Ya know, I am trying really hard to be a better wife and mother. And I am succeeding. I haven't been an A list one, I know this. I've battled depression with no medication for a while now. However, I do not deserve this disrespect. I woke up this morning, decided to let go of some hurt, at least where HE is concerned and then he calls and tells me *Ohio* wants them to go out to eat, just the two of them, keep in mind he's already done this while I sat at home. Ya know, I just said for him to do whatever he wanted. I have a HUGE dinner cooked but if he wants to choose them once again, so be it. The bitch in law is behind all of this I am sure. Why? Because it's all a game....let's see how much he'll pick us over her. So far? I am the BIG loser.
Labels: bitch in law, crazy ass husband
It's been a hell of a week...Part 1
And I am still not over it. This is Part One, of an I don't know how long post. I have so much hurt, anger, bitterness, apathy, hatred, I don't know what else I can add to this list. The bipolar son of a bitch man I married has not has his medication. Oh no, we HAD the money, he just used it for other things. Anyway, that does NOT make up for how I've been treated. Suffice to say, I have done nothing to deserve this. I am not the perfect wife, however, I do not sit around, in my day-to-day life and talk bad about my husband with a bunch of people that cannot stand him. That's right the bitch-in-law from hell has had her dirty little claws in my hubby all week and instead of him standing up and saying he won't talk about me, oh no, he's joined right in with the rest of the inbred idiots. Keep in mind, this is the bitch-in-law that said I slept with a 17 year old boy. Every year, these people from Ohio, whom he talks about like they are dogs and avoid calls from 1/2 the year come into town. They stay at the bitch's house. They arrived on Saturday. Let's start on that day. Shall we? He took my kidz over to that house and did not come home until 3:30 am, that's right, in the morning. We were supposed to get up as a family and attend church. Well, that flew out the window. And to top it all off? He's walking around like I have no reason to be the bitch from hell. After several more nights of coming home after 11:00pm all of this hit the fan. Oh yeah, keep in mind, I've been invited to go over there anytime I want. He's talked about "her" like she's nothing. Said F**K her several times and then? Well he practically lives over there and sits AROUND TALKING ABOUT ME.
HIM: Why do you have such an attitude? I've invited you to come along.
MOM: I have no desire whatsoever to hang around over there with someone that says such nasty things about me.
Let's keep in mind 2 of my children also said the following to me, so I know this was a "topic" of conversation as well.<br>
HIM: Look, I am trying to do better, and as a Christian you are supposed to forgive.
MOM: You are going to play the Bible card with me? That's cute. Anyway, I am supposed to forgive in my heart, no where does it say I have to hang around with Satan.
HIM: Well, I am not there to see her anyway, I wanted to see *people* from Ohio. I could care less about seeing her. What was I supposed to do?
MOM: Hmmm...let's see. Tell them that SHE said some totally inappropriate things about your WIFE and you'd love to have them come over to our house? But, no, you'd rather sit around and talk about me. That's shows a lot of balls. Oh that's right, when it comes to THEM you apparently are castrated. That means they've been cut off.
I was crying heavily at this point, but please, never mistake tears for weakness, it could just be a woman on edge, with a closet full of guns and a clueless mofo lying in her bed & anger. I've slept on the couch for weeks now anyway....what does it matter? My couch is very comfortable. Also, he knows our house is spotless, clean and only have 5 loads of laundry to do. He says HER'S reeks of a litter box. Anyhoo...
HIM: I still don't know why you are so upset. I am trying to change.
MOM: I know you understand exactly what I am saying, you know you've done wrong, or else I've married the biggest idiot in the world. Hey, either one is entirely believable at this point. I have never disrespected you like you have me these past few days. In fact, when you are in your bipolar phase, I've told plenty of people, "Hey, that's my husband....regardless of his faults that my husband, let's change the subject. Kinda like, I can say he's horrible just no one else can.
In real life, I appreciate any and all feedback online...k? It's just really hard in person to listen to stuff like that.
MOM: Look, I have never given you any reason to mistrust me, doubt me and you have never once had to wonder where I was. I don't care. For a long time now I have lived for four people, you and my kidz. Well, that's over. You are no longer on the list. Your house will be clean, your clothes washed and meals made. I feel that you work so it's what I am supposed to do at this point. However, do NOT mistake this for some meek and mild role. I WILL make my money by doing stuff online, I WILL spend it on the kids and myself. You continue on with your life, that's fine and just as soon as I am able to leave this hell hole and live with my kids on my own I will. Nathan will be in school in one more year. What kind of person would pay $350 to join a hunting club while his wife has glasses that are pieced together? I have not had a new pair of glasses since Noni was a year old, she is now almost 6. I can't drive at night anymore because they are not strong enough, they don't work to read anymore, the plastic thing on the ear is gone for God's sake. What have I asked for? $100 for new glasses from America's Best. When you needed glasses, with the weakest prescription known to man, you lost them within a month you paid over $400 for them...What kind of husband??? Well, hell, I know the answer to that....the kind of husband that sits around and talks about his wife with people who can't stand her.
Am I being unreasonable? There is so much more of this story...however, in order to earn money for my glasses, I must continue this later with a post #2.
HIM: Why do you have such an attitude? I've invited you to come along.
MOM: I have no desire whatsoever to hang around over there with someone that says such nasty things about me.
Let's keep in mind 2 of my children also said the following to me, so I know this was a "topic" of conversation as well.<br>
HIM: Look, I am trying to do better, and as a Christian you are supposed to forgive.
MOM: You are going to play the Bible card with me? That's cute. Anyway, I am supposed to forgive in my heart, no where does it say I have to hang around with Satan.
HIM: Well, I am not there to see her anyway, I wanted to see *people* from Ohio. I could care less about seeing her. What was I supposed to do?
MOM: Hmmm...let's see. Tell them that SHE said some totally inappropriate things about your WIFE and you'd love to have them come over to our house? But, no, you'd rather sit around and talk about me. That's shows a lot of balls. Oh that's right, when it comes to THEM you apparently are castrated. That means they've been cut off.
I was crying heavily at this point, but please, never mistake tears for weakness, it could just be a woman on edge, with a closet full of guns and a clueless mofo lying in her bed & anger. I've slept on the couch for weeks now anyway....what does it matter? My couch is very comfortable. Also, he knows our house is spotless, clean and only have 5 loads of laundry to do. He says HER'S reeks of a litter box. Anyhoo...
HIM: I still don't know why you are so upset. I am trying to change.
MOM: I know you understand exactly what I am saying, you know you've done wrong, or else I've married the biggest idiot in the world. Hey, either one is entirely believable at this point. I have never disrespected you like you have me these past few days. In fact, when you are in your bipolar phase, I've told plenty of people, "Hey, that's my husband....regardless of his faults that my husband, let's change the subject. Kinda like, I can say he's horrible just no one else can.
In real life, I appreciate any and all feedback online...k? It's just really hard in person to listen to stuff like that.
MOM: Look, I have never given you any reason to mistrust me, doubt me and you have never once had to wonder where I was. I don't care. For a long time now I have lived for four people, you and my kidz. Well, that's over. You are no longer on the list. Your house will be clean, your clothes washed and meals made. I feel that you work so it's what I am supposed to do at this point. However, do NOT mistake this for some meek and mild role. I WILL make my money by doing stuff online, I WILL spend it on the kids and myself. You continue on with your life, that's fine and just as soon as I am able to leave this hell hole and live with my kids on my own I will. Nathan will be in school in one more year. What kind of person would pay $350 to join a hunting club while his wife has glasses that are pieced together? I have not had a new pair of glasses since Noni was a year old, she is now almost 6. I can't drive at night anymore because they are not strong enough, they don't work to read anymore, the plastic thing on the ear is gone for God's sake. What have I asked for? $100 for new glasses from America's Best. When you needed glasses, with the weakest prescription known to man, you lost them within a month you paid over $400 for them...What kind of husband??? Well, hell, I know the answer to that....the kind of husband that sits around and talks about his wife with people who can't stand her.
Am I being unreasonable? There is so much more of this story...however, in order to earn money for my glasses, I must continue this later with a post #2.
Labels: crazy ass husband, DUMBASS Mom, in-laws
This Has Got To Be A Total Boy Thing....
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
While sitting in IHOP, (minus Noni,) Nicklaus started giggling at his sausage link. His dad jumped upon this immediately.
Dad: What?? It looks like one of those things Jack (our dog) lays in the yard, right? Is that what you are thinking??
Nicklaus: Not exactly....I was thinking how much bigger my thing is than this thing. (side note: Nicklaus talks about the size of his woozle quite a lot here lately with his Dad, it seems, Nick has the idea it's humongous....)
Dad: Boy, your little thang ain't a 1/3 of that!! Bring it home, measure it. You'll see!!!
I must admit I did see Nicklaus wrappin' up the little weiner in some napkins, which, Thank God, he forgot.
I don't remember, at 11, discussing my breast size with my mom. Is this crap normal? Or are we, as I've stated before, just plain ol' Nutz??
Dad: What?? It looks like one of those things Jack (our dog) lays in the yard, right? Is that what you are thinking??
Nicklaus: Not exactly....I was thinking how much bigger my thing is than this thing. (side note: Nicklaus talks about the size of his woozle quite a lot here lately with his Dad, it seems, Nick has the idea it's humongous....)
Dad: Boy, your little thang ain't a 1/3 of that!! Bring it home, measure it. You'll see!!!
I must admit I did see Nicklaus wrappin' up the little weiner in some napkins, which, Thank God, he forgot.
I don't remember, at 11, discussing my breast size with my mom. Is this crap normal? Or are we, as I've stated before, just plain ol' Nutz??
Labels: crazy ass husband, Nicklaus, woozles
OMG....
Friday, April 27, 2007
Has this ever happened to you? Hubby has been home all week and I walked into the bathroom after he came out the other morning. My nasal passages were brutally assaulted with the most god-awful smell they'd ever been beat with. I immediately went into bitch mode. "What in the hell died in here, oh my God, this is awful, Geezus, Mary and Joseph...what did you do?" To which the hubster replied, "What??? I sprayed!!" "Yes dear, and now it smells like someone has taken a massive shit in the middle of a rose garden." Has it ever happened at your house? I'm not saying it did here...but.....
Labels: crazy ass husband, stink
Another Ha-Ha From Hubby....
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
As we were driving back to the hotel after spending the day at Jekyll Island, one of the new Chrysler Crossfires pulled up alongside our car. Hubby takes one look at it and exclaims, "I hate that car, it looks like a woman with no ass." I assume he is referring to the trunk? Sometimes you just gotta smile and nod...know what I mean? (**Mom'z note, being the ever diligent camera whore that I am, I did try and get a good picture of the car in question. Alas, the sporty 4-wheeled "woman with no ass car" was much too fast for the old mini-van, so I used an online photo!)Labels: crazy ass husband
Ahhh....Today Was A Good Day....
Thursday, February 01, 2007
I don't believe the difference a few pills make in a person's life. Nicklaus came in, had his snack and DID HIS HOMEWORK. No yelling, no fussing, and no mindless repetitions of nonsensical phrases< (his latest was "giant rodents, giant rodents, giant rodents" repeated a million times....now you understand the name of the blog, huh?) Nicklaus decided that was a key phrase when we were going to the doctor the other day-WITH MY PARENTS-and their van broke down, on the side of the road. Nerves were frayed, and the mindless droning of "GIANT RODENTS, GIANT RODENTS, GIANT RODENTS" made, the usually unflappable Nanny (my mom) yell, "Nicklaus, honey, please, please SHUT UP...JUST SHUT UP, why are you saying Giant Rodents????" Yep...we all giggled a little bit, until, yep you guessed it, as we sat there stranded on the side of the road, the chorus of "Giant Rodents" began again. As usual I had my trusty camera, and this is what the Natester looked like....kinda bewildered by the whole "Giant Rodent" serenade, ya think? Or is it more, "Mom, please make him shut the hell up!"?
We've even got the bipolar, crazy ass husband's medications in sync with life (for now.) He was taking it all wrong. He takes 1500 mg of Depakote a day, he's supposed to take 1 Depakote and 1 of the Zyprexa pills in the morning and then 2 Depakote and an Effexor at night. He's been taking all of them at night, even when I told him that it wasn't the correct way. He started listening to me and the higher dosage of Zyprexa is really helping too....So much so that he and Nicklaus sat down and played a game of checkers, he sat and let Noni read to him. It was almost like a normal house....except for the fact that it is STILL the NUTZ household!!!
And the unexpected always happens...for instance....Nathan and I were here today, in our "potty training mode" and he comes up to me and says, "Momma I Dooooooooookied" no I did not teach him that word, it must have been one of the others. So, I tell him, "You've been telling mommy all day that you are not a baby you are a boy, boys don't "dookie" in their pants!" So, my little cherub looks at me and says, "I a stink butt momma..." and as I change him, he grins his maniacal little grin and asks, "I wotten Momma??" Which translates, "Am I rotten?" To which a mom can only say, "Yes, you stink like...errr...DOOOOOOOOKIIIIIIEEEEEEE"
Labels: ADHD, bipolar, crazy ass husband, Depakote, Effexor, Joey, Nathan, Nicklaus, Potty Training, Zyprexa
Okay...an update...
Thursday, January 25, 2007
The husband went to his doctor's appointment...after saying all week he wasn't going because he did not have the money.....which we don't, but that is besides the point. He did owe some from last time, so they would not make another appointment, (his way of letting me know, without coming out and saying it that he tried to make us another counseling appointment.) ANYWAY, he is on Depakote, Zyprexa and Effexor. They kept all of them the same dosage except the Effexor which they raised the dosage for his depression and anxiety/anger. No, they did not send anything home to me for mine....darn! Keep the prayers and good thoughts coming...I am trying to make this work. I have 3 kidz who love their dad dearly and are quite happy with their school and home. No, they do NOT agree with him...but as I've said before, it's mainly directed at me...so.....but, I will NOT stay and be abused forever. The last several days have been okay, as I said before, I'm doling out his medication each night and you can tell it is getting back into his system. Do I resent having one more thing thrust upon me to take care of? Do I think he is an adult and should be responsible for his own medicine? Yes...but as I said, I am doing above and beyond to help him with this. If it gets to where I cannot handle it, then I won't anymore. Right now, I'm fine with it. Thanks guys for everything!! I don't know what I would do without my friends and family and a special thank you to all of you in cyber land who took the time to email and comment....it mean more than you could ever know.
Labels: bipolar, crazy ass husband, family life, household, marriage, mentally ill